Bashin'em
by Sailor Erin
Summary: (Revised!)This is what I call an anti-all characters from final fantasy fic! Just read on and see what happens! Don't flame if ya hate it. please R&R!


**Bashin'em**  
Gotta fray'em all  
  
  
Like this is an Anti-all characters from FF7 fic, you'll see all of the characters get bashed, that's why it's called Bashin'em, it's like Pokemon, hehe…anyway, this doesn't worship ANY character, so if you can't resist to see your best character get kicked by me on the ass, just don't read this, here goes nothing.  
  
  
  
  
OK. We see our heroes * like they are* in Costa Del Sol, Aeris, Tifa, and Yuffie are having fun telling each other who they love.

  
  
Tifa: I love Cloud; he's the most incredible guy in the whole world.

  
Aeris: Cloud's mine.

  
Yuffie: and Cloud's gay.

  
Tifa & Aeris: what?! 

  
Aeris: no way, not my Cloud.

  
Tifa: who said so.::kicks Aeris's ass::

  
Aeris: BITCH!

  
Tifa: WHORE.

  
Yuffie: she is.

  
Aeris: it's secret Yuffie.

  
Yuffie: oops, I forgot.

  
Tifa: you don't love Cloud then, it's just your job, to sleep with guys for money.

  
Aeris: you're just as guilty as I am, you have affairs with Cloud, Seph, Cait, Red, Rufus, Reno, Rude, Palmer, Biggs, Wedge, Zack, Johnny, that fat guy we saw in Kalm, a Slut would be a word for you.

  
Tifa: well, at least I love them, all of them, but you only do that for some money.

  
Aeris: you don't love them.

  
Yuffie: yes she does.

  
Tifa: shut up brat, you just killed 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999of innocent lives.

  
Yuffie: how did you know?

  
Aeris: a little cat told us.

  
Yuffie: damn that Reeve, ::did you notice that Cait Sith's Reeve?::

  
  
They draw their weapons and fight, Aeris can't fight with her Weapon 'cause the fact that she's WEAK, Yuffie loves Materia, Tifa hates Aeris and wants to kill her, so they fight for what they want.  
  
Next, we have Sephiroth, Vincent, Hojo, and Red in Luca's (for short^_~) cave. 

  
  
Vince: Luca, please, talk to me, tell me who's Seph's real Father, is it me or Hojo?

  
Luca: no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.no.

  
Hojo: I beg you; I'll kiss your feet.

  
Vince: I'll wash your car.

  
Sephy: I'll baby-set Red for you.

  
Red: I'm not a baby!

  
Sephy: Whispering: act like one will ya, we're trying to fool my mom and the least you can do is act like a kid.

  
Red: ::acts like a kid::

  
Luca: what a cute little lion.

  
Vince: phew, great son.

  
Hojo: he's my son.

  
Vince: oh yeah!

  
Hojo: Yeah!

  
Vince: ::turns into hell masker::

  
Luca: okay, I'll tell ya who's his father, he's, well, Seifer.

  
Vince & Hojo: what?! HOW!?

  
Luca: and I ain't his mommy, his mommy is Selphie, I'll take this cute little baby as my son from now on, I'll tern him into a humen and-

  
Vince & Hojo & Seph: NO!!!!!!

  
Luca: why?

  
Seph: uhh…uhm…you see, he's um..my pet, yeah my pet.

  
Luca: oh too bad, ::fries Red::

  
Hojo: there goes my experiment.

  
Vince: there goes my son.

  
Seph: there goes my last hope of finding more details of my mommy and daddy.

  
  
  
They go out side.

  
  
Seph: it's all your fault Hojo.

  
Hojo: mine? You're the one who brought him with us so you would fool Luca.

  
Vince: y'know, Luca's pretty smart for a 50 year old.

  
Luca: I HEARD THAT ::Ice comes from inside the cave and all of our friends freez to death, mwaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :lol

  
  
The Turks

  
  
We see our Turks in the Temple of the Ancients trying to revive Tseng, someone told Elena of a Revive-your-dead-boyfriend-that-was-killed-by-the-sexy-Sephiroth-but-never-really-told-him-you-loved-him Materia, and so, they are looking for it:

  
  
Reno: Are you sure this is the place?

  
Rude: ……

  
Elena: 'corse I'm sure.

  
Reno: do you havtta love that guy; there's a lotta guys that would fall so fast for you?

  
Rude: …….

  
Elena: I don't love any.

  
Reno: you have me?

  
Rude: ……..*okay so not * she doesn't like you.

  
Reno: who talked to you, aren't you suppose to be silent all the time?

  
Rude: I got sick of it.

  
Author: good Rudy, here's a cookie for you ::throws cookie:: go get it boy, come on.

  
Rude: ::acts like a dog and goes to catch the cookie::

  
Reno: that Author turned Rude into a puppy.

  
Elena: should we help him?

  
Reno: let us watch first.

  
Elena: 'kay.

  
Rude: ::catches cookie and eats it then falls dead::

  
Reno: that girl's mad; let's get outta here.

  
Elena: but, how 'bout Rude?

  
Reno: he's dead remember? She poisoned him!

  
Elena: but-

  
Reno: no buts, let's just move out.

  
Elena: okay.

  
  
They get out and they see the Revive-your-dead-boyfriend-that-was-killed-by-the-sexy-Sephiroth-but-never-really-told-him-you-loved-him Materia pop out of no were:

  
  
Elena: the Materia!

  
Reno: keep runnin' or we'll die today.

  
Elena: but even if we run we'll die, she's everywhere.

  
Reno: ::stops running:: ::sees my faces:: you're right, let's kill her! ::gets night-Stick::

  
Elena: why not::does the same thing::

  
Reno: ::trying to kill her:: huh? Why can't she die?

  
Author: 'cause you're not real and I am.

  
Elena: she has a point.

  
Reno: I'm scared.

  
Elena: let's go revive Tseng.

  
Reno: please Author, let me live, you like me did ya forgot?

  
Author: I know, but this is an Anti-all characters of FF7 fic.

  
Reno: you mean you havtta kill us?

  
Author: yes, I havtta fry you.

  
Elena & Reno: fry us!?

  
Author: yeah, I have to.

  
Elena: let's just go and revive Tseng, he'll think of something.

  
Reno: y-y-ye-yea-yeah!

  
  
  
They go inside the Temple again to revive Tseng:

  
  
Elena: Revive-your-dead-boyfriend-that-was-killed-by-the-sexy-Sephiroth-but-never-really-told-him-you-loved-him!!

  
Reno: did it work?

  
Tseng: ::opens eyes:: ::looks at Elena:: Elena!?

  
Elena: oh my god! Tseng!? You're alive! You're really alive!

  
Reno: ::under his breathe:: SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS THIS CLOSE TO MAKE ELENA LOVE ME.

  
Author: ::to Reno only:: yeah right.

  
Reno: let's get the hell outta here!! The mad girl's here.

  
Tseng: Mad girl?

  
Elena: oh yeah she's the Author, she's really mad, she poisoned Rude and made him her puppy, and now he's dead!

  
Reno: you hadn't heard of a Revive-your-cold-friend-that-was-turned-into-a-puppy-then-poisoned-him-the-mad-Author-that's-writing-this-fic-then-killed-him Materia? Haven't you?

  
Elena: no, I haven't.

  
Tseng: I'm really sorry Reno.  
Reno: Dumb ass, he was your friend too.

  
Tseng: he was?

  
Reno: yes he was you *&^^%)&%^%$(*^%$%*&^#$^*&.

  
Elena: watch your words Reno.

  
Reno: what do you care bitch!

  
Elena: I am not a bitch!

  
Tseng: you are my sexy bitch.

  
Reno: shut up Tseng.

  
Elena: really?

  
Tseng: yeah!

  
Reno: stop it you love birds, just stop it!

  
Author: this is boring, let's put some action here a little!

  
Reno: wh-wh-what?!

  
Author: mmmmm….who shall I summon? Hehehe…. Holy Judgment!

  
Reno: Alexander? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! We're gonna die here and now.

  
Elena: not if I can help it, WALL!!

  
Reno: you forgot me?

  
Elena: you don't have to live, you're gonna die anyway.

  
Reno: at least let me live a little longer.

  
Tseng: you do have shield? Right?

  
Reno: I never thought of that?

  
Elena: that's 'cause you're too stupid.

  
Reno: I am not. Shield!

  
Alexander: ::casts Holy Judgment and Tseng dies and becomes nothing::

  
Elena: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

  
Reno: oh too bad for him.

  
Reno's brain: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooooooooo! Elena's mine!

  
Author to Reno only: no she's not.

  
Reno to Author: yes she is.

  
Author: I'm yours.

  
Reno: I thought you were gonna kill us and fry us and make our left off disappear?

  
Author: I am, after I finish from you, come here you little doggy.

  
Reno: ::screams like a girl:: 

  
Elena: ::laughs insanely:: let's just get outta here before she really kills us.

  
Author: don't worry, I'm gonna kill you two later, now I'm concentrating on killing Cloud, Barrat, Cid, and Cait Sith.

  
Reno to Elena: phew, maybe she'll forget about us.

  
Author: oh no I won't.

  
Reno: let's get outta here.

  
Elena: I'm way ahead of you man.

  
  
  
Reno and Elena go to Rufus, I'll tell you what happens later. Anyway, Cid is teaching Cloud how much is 1+1:

  
  
Cid: how much is 1+1 Cloud?

  
Cloud: uh uhm ………… 3?

  
Cid: $#@^#$%#^&^*&^$%@^&%^*$%^#%&)*^^$%#!@@#%$*%^%#$@%#$! No you dumb ass!

  
Cloud: sorry.

  
Barrat: don't be too hard on him.

  
Cid: what do you care!! Cloud, 1+1=2!!!!!! GET IT!!!

  
Cloud: ::in a really cute voice:: yes.

  
Cid: okay then, how much is 1+1 Cloud?

  
Cloud: 4?

  
Cid: oh you %$%^$%#%&*^%*(*&%$%#@!@$%!!!! It's 2!! GET IT?! 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
Barrat: give him a break Cid.

  
Cid: you have a one second break! Oh look at the time, it finished.

  
Cloud: oh shit!

  
Barrat: try somethin' else, like Science or History or even Geography.

  
Cid: he's too stupid for these things, y'know that it took me 3 years for him to learn how to spell his name!?

  
Barrat: I know Cid, but he's just a kid.

  
Cid: he's 24! And he doesn't even know what's math.

  
Barrat: he's 24? I thought he was 1.

  
Cloud: that was 23 years ago Barrat.

  
Barrat: I thought I told you to call me Uncle!!

  
Cloud: sorry Uncle Barrat.

  
Barrat: good boy.

  
  
  
Just then Tifa comes in.

  
  
  
Tifa: hey Cloud. Whom do you love? That Whore Aeris or me?

  
Aeris: I am not a whore.

  
Tifa: yes you are. You do sleep with people for money; I even caught you that day with Palmer.

  
Aeris: you slut! 

  
Cloud: then I love Tifa.

  
Aeris: but Tifa has affairs with Cloud, Seph, Cait, Red, Rufus, Reno, Rude, Palmer, Biggs, Wedge, Zack, Johnny, that fat guy we saw in Kalm, a Slut would be a word for you.

  
Cloud: even that guy we saw in Kalm?

  
Tifa: I loved you all and I didn't know which to choose, so I choose all.

  
Yuffie: ahh…ouch…and…Aeris…is…a lesbian…::dies::

  
Aeris: oh you murderer!

  
Yuffie: ::still dead::

  
Tifa: haha…too bad.

  
Cloud: I love neither of you. I love Jessie.

  
Tifa & Aeris: JESSIE?!

  
Cloud: you know her; she's that girl in Sector 7.

  
Aeris: I can't believe it, you mean you are NOT gonna pay me 100 gil?

  
Cloud: now who said 100, I thought it said 0.001?

  
Aeris: it is.

  
Cloud: here ya go.

  
Aeris: ::takes money:: ::terns into a pig:: ::makes pig sounds::

  
Tifa: what did you do Cloud?

  
Cloud: it wasn't me. Honest.

  
Author: it was me, now Cloud kiss Tifa in that great way of Sephiroth's.

  
Cloud: oh you mean this? ::kisses Tifa in that great way of Sephiroth's::

  
Tifa: ::turns into a frog:: ::makes frog sounds::

  
Author: hehe…this is fun.

  
Cloud: you're not gonna kill me are you?

  
Author: before I answer that can you bring me that case over there?

  
Cloud: okay miss Author. ::brings case:: what shall I do with it?

  
Author: ::giggling to herself:: open it ::bearsts into laughter:: 

  
Cloud: ::opens case:: what the hell- ::a boxing thing gets out and nocks him out of reality::

  
Cid: hahahahahaha 

Barrat: good one Miss Author.

  
Author: thanks, hey Barrat, aren't you thirsty?

  
Barrat: a little.

  
Author: want a glass of water?

  
Barrat: yeah, why not.

  
Cid: no Barrat, no-…urg…urg…-::faints::

  
Author: why don't you go open the frig, and get a glass of water.

  
Barrat: why not. ::goes to frig, opens it:: BOMB!

  
BOMB!: ::explodes and kills Barrat::

  
Cid: wakes up:: huh?! ::looks at Barrat's dead body:: you mad $#$%@#@ girl, you killed Barrat!

  
Author: wow! I can't believe it! Frying people IS fun! Woohoo!

  
Cid: ::scared and can't think of word so he can swear:: Mad-bitch are you crazy?! ::Kay so he did::

  
Author: did you say something?

  
Cid: nothing! Absolutely nothing!

  
Author: That's what I thought.

  
Cid: phew.

  
Author: hey Cid, aren't you bored?

  
Cid: yeah!

  
Author: I see, so teaching Cloud is a hard thing to do.

  
Cid: yeah, too hard, he doesn't even know how much is 1+1.

  
Author: wanna play Chess?

  
Cid: that game's for nerds.

  
Author: but if you don't know how to play Chess and then play it for the first time, it'll turn so funny.

  
Cid: what am I loosing?

  
Author: ::to herself:: your life, hehehe…

  
Cid: you said somethin'?

  
Author: nothing. C'mone, let's go!

  
Cid: ::sets on the chair:: ::plays first:: I'll move this guy here, what's his name?

  
Author: ::lying:: beats me!

  
Cid: ::plays it and then turns into a fly:: ::in a really low voice, y'know that voice people make when they become sooooo small:: @%#*&%@#@^!

  
Author: ::falls over laughing::

Cid: ::in the same voice tone:: that ain't funny!

  
Author: ::laughs:: look whose talking, the fly ::laughs:: ::gets the fly killer:: mwahahahahahahahahahahaha ::laughs insanely::  
Cid: ::screams like a girl::  
  
  
I kill Cid. Anyway, after that, Vincent terns into hell masker so he can melt the ice around him, Sephiroth casts Fire 1000000000000 so he can break out of whatever he's in, as for Hojo, this is the end for him:  
  
  


  
Vincent: ::turns back to normal:: ::shivering from the cold:: it's freezing.

  
Sephy: I know, do we melt Hojo's ice?

  
Vince: nah, let's melt him!

  
Author: good Vincy, I'll give you a cookie for that.

  
Vince: shucks, do you really like me that much, I'll do anything to pleas you 

Author: here ya go ::throws fish::

  
Sephy: I thought you were gonna give him a cookie.

  
Author: I used that already, c'mone kitty, go eat that.

  
Vince: ::terns into a cute black cat, I know what you're thinking, how can a black cat be cute?:: ::goes to the fish:: ::eats it:: ::dies::

  
Sephy: what did you put in that fish?

  
Author: just holy materia.

  
Sephy: but Vince dies if he eats holy Materia.

  
Author: I know, hey Sephy, want a new pet?

  
Sephy: yahoo! A new pet! Where is it?

  
Author: here ya go, a doggy! 

  
Sephy: a doggy! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ::tuchs the dog:: ::turns into a bear I know what you're thinking, how can I kill him like that, just read on::

  
Author: good bear, hey bear hunters, he's all yours!

  
Bear Hunter #1: a bear! Just 1 mile ahead!

  
Bear Hunter #2: he's right!!! C'mone hunters!

  
  
They go and kill Sephy the bear. Meanwhile, in Midger, Reno and Elena arrive at Rufus' office:

  
  
Elena: are you sure this'll be okay?

  
Reno: trust me, we'll live.

  
Elena: you mean we're gonna die.

  
Reno: we'll live for 24 hours?

  
Elena: I am not getting in there.

  
Rufus: I know you're out there Reno & Elena, come in.

  
Reno: ::swallowing:: okay!

  
Elena: here goes nothing ::goes in and Reno's right behind her::

  
Rufus: you didn't bring Tseng or Rude did you?

  
Elena: no Mr. President.

  
Reno: ::praying:: please don't let him kill us, please don't let him kill us.

  
Rufus: Reno?!

  
Reno: yes Mr. President.

  
Rufus: Guards, I want them executed!

  
Guards: YES MR. PRESIDENT! ::they take Reno and Elena to the gas chamber::

  
Reno: I'm scared.

  
Elena: me too.

  
Reno: Elena, since this is the last time we'll see each other, can I kiss you?

  
Elena: what the hell! ::kisses Reno::

  
Reno: ::dies::

  
Elena: oh my god! I killed him!

  
Auother: oh gawd! It really works!

  
Elena: you mean-

  
Author: yeah yeah yeah! I killed him!

  
Elena: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck! You're not gonna kill me are you?

  
Author: no. But these guys will.

  
Elena: no! I'm not done yet.

  
Guard #1: who cares? Come with us.

  
Elena: help me! Help me!

  
Super Hero: I will help you! ::goes through the wall and dies:: ::by the way the super hero was Rufus::

  
Elena: ::sits on the gas champer chair:: ::prays::

  
Guard #2: this won't hurt a bet.

  
Elena: whadda ya mean this won't hurt a but?! I'm gonna die! GET IT DIE!

  
Guard #1: but it's true ::pushes button::

  
Elena: ::crying:: 

  
Elena: ::is dead now::

  
Cait Sith: oh I'm the only surviver!

  
Author: oh no you're not ::drives knife in to Reeve's body:: I know that you're Reeve fat cat!

  
Reeve: %#@^& you! 

  
Author: watch your language or your soul will never rest in piece.

  
Reeve: ::prays for forgiveness:: 

  
Author: that's a good guy.

  
Now all of them are dead except for Tifa and Aeris that turned into frogs, did I mention that Aeris turns into a frog after Vince dies? Anyway, they're in a swamp:  
  
  


  
Tifa: I can't believe all of those guys are dead, now I'll never find who'll love me. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

  
Aeris: yeah, hey why can't we kiss?

  
Tifa: you mean turn lesbian?

  
Aeris: why not?

  
Tifa: since everyone died, even that guy in Kalm and Palmer, why not?

  
Aeris: come on.

  
Tifa: okay. 

  
  
Aeris and Tifa kiss, and they turn into humans.

  
  
Aeris: I'm human!

  
Tifa: I can't believe it! It's true!

  
Author: I'll let you be humans if you promise to turn lesbian and love each other.

  
Aeris & Tifa: we promise!

  
Author: good, now I'll get some rest ::sleeps::

  
Aeris: why can't we do the same?

Tifa: yeah! 

  
Aeris: but in a big bed…

  
Tifa: and with no clothes…

  
Aeris C'mone! I can't wait!

  
Tifa: neither do I.

  
  
Tifa and Aeris turn lesbian, and since everyone in FF7 died accept for Scarlet, I made her my servant:

  
  
  
Author: SCAAAARLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!

  
Scarlet: yes Miss Author?

  
Author: where's my food?

  
Scarlet: I'll go get it now Miss Author, just set there and do nothing.

  
  
Pokemon's music starts and the movie finishes.

  
  
**Note**: That was the revised version, hope you like it^_~.

~*~


End file.
